Oh Goody.

I don’t think that I’m dreaming. I mean, it all seems so…vivid.

I’ve spent the morning pinching myself, just to check, though.

And then I got chucked off the bus, so that clinched it.

Yup, Jade Goody is doing a book signing.

The woman who once proclaimed: “I am intelligent, but I let myself down because I can’t speak properly or spell.”

This is where editors claim they’re underpaid.

It’s heartening to note that a woman famed for sub-literacy, gross communicative failings, and a rather poor judgement in partner selection can overcome adversity, flail miraculously against the odds, and lose some weight.

WELL DONE JADE.

Don’t misconstrue me: I don’t want to appear cruel, or unkind.

However, I undoubtedly will do, so I might as well stipulate now that I should appear both cruel AND unkind, with perhaps a side-order of Machiavellian cunning and a touch of ‘dashing’. Just for giggles.

Onwards, Miss Goody, onwards. Thanks for completely devaluing the sacred art of the Text [I foresee a desolate future, where we learn from Txtbks. The only thing more depressing about my rampant cynicism is that people marketing these sorts of pseudo-pop culture crap are doing it even more cynically than I could ever satirise.]. Maybe we’ll see you working through our Art & Culture, with a brief sojourn in the Sciences, until you arrive on a gardening program. [Slogan: “Mischief! Mayhem! Trowels!”, or “Dial M for Manure.”].

I find it remarkable how I’m able to sustain the bile necessary to write all this. I’m really very amiable in real life.

In fact, is this all a colossal waste of time? Or is the alternative even worse – fresh air, sunlight, mimes?

Yup, I’ll stay here with me keyboard, humming tunes of a pleasant melody, so that the calming strains may ease mine.

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Filed under diatribe, humour, irreverence

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