Category Archives: humour

Facebook is VERY ODD INDEED.

Call off the search – the gremlins behind tech failures in Facebook have been traced to HG Wells.

Time travel proved through medium of Facebook.

Time travel proved through medium of Facebook.


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Filed under geek, humour

Finally, science has a cure!

This is only really funny for those of you who know me as a corporeal entity from the Real World. But for those people – those few, few, people – it will be quite relevant, I kid ye not.

Great site, Musty Moments, well worth a peek!

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Filed under humour, irreverence

"Any of us could be part skeleton."

This is why I love The Onion:

AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a
stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of “skeleton
people”—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an
estimated 6,000 years ago.

“This is an incredible find,” said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford
University archaeologist and head of the dig team. “Imagine: At one time, this
entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons.”

It’s like The Huffington Post, but with a functioning grasp of reality. Or WorldNetDaily. Or…actually, it’s like the whole internet, but with a functioning grasp of reality.

Follow the current Evolution vs. Creationism/ID/[whatever it’s politically called this week] to see real-life application of this wonderful satire:

According to Hutchins, the skeletons bear numerous similarities to humans,
leading him to suspect that there may be an evolutionary link between the two
“Like humans, these creatures walked upright on two legs and
possessed highly developed opposable thumbs,” Edmund-White said. “These and many
other similarities lend credence to the theory that hundreds of thousands of
years ago, human development passed through a skeletal stage. These skeletons
may, in fact, be ancestors of us all.”

“Any of us could be part skeleton,” he added.

Other experts disagreed.

“The evidence of an evolutionary link between humans and skeletons is
sparse at best,” said Dr. Terrance Schneider of the University of Chicago.
“Furthermore, it is downright unscientific to theorize that skeleton life
originated in Egypt merely because mummies, another species of monster, are
indigenous to the area. Spooky creatures are found all over the world, from the
vampires of Transylvania to the headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow.”

I want a placard that says, in big day-glo red, “I didn’t come from no skeleton!”

Or, “If we evolved from skeletons, why do we still have fossils?”

[Addendum – the main reason for this post, was my fascination with this update on ScienceDaily which piqued my interest somewhat, and I remembered the old Onion article. Will write about music next time, promise.]

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Filed under humour, irreverence, science

The Apprentice (or how I learned to stop worrying and love popular culture)

No, I didn’t actually watch ‘The Apprentice’.
But I did the next best thing, and spoke to someone about it.
Conversation has fewer adverts than TV, and no licence fee.
And when I tell jokes, occasionally the other person laughs, rather than stare blankly back at me, pixels refreshing like digital tumbleweeds.
That’s never good for your self-esteem.
So, I heard a bit about the latest episode of ‘The Apprentice’, by all accounts a rather good one, including a comically melodramatic “No, no, no, no…Noooooooooooooo!” from someone called Ben.
Anyway, the thrust of the gist of the synopsis I heard, was that the results for the tasks were rather bizarre – the losing team sold a home birthing pool, and a rocking horse.
So this led onto a conversation about what sort of products they should they have picked, in order to sell the highest number in the shortest time, at the lowest cost.
When it dawned on me – they almost picked the right products, but they didn’t take it far enough.
Birthing pool? Too conventional.
Rocking horse? Bit anachronistic and staid, now, really.
“No,” the mad scientist in me is cackling, “…no, what about a bit of manipulation…let’s tamper with the natural order of things…”
The optimum strategy is to sell Worthless, Potentially HARMFUL products that will appeal only to the deranged.
Something Worthless. And Potentially HARMFUL.
A Rocking Pool. Throw the baby out with the bath water.
A Birthing Horse. I see a hoof!
‘The Apprentice’ seems to be an entertaining program, but they’ll have to up the insanity quotient on the show before I start to take an interest.
Honestly, it reflects worse on them than me.

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Inspired by this wonderful Googlewhack-inspired post from the xkcd blag, I’m trying to find some phrases that elicit NO responses from Google. Although anyone who can find a googol of responses will win some sort of prize (maybe a copy of my CD, should it ever be finished. The probability is roughly the same for both).

The fun and entirely intentional irony of this is, once I post this, I will give the phrase a hit in Google (much like Randall’s Google Trends comic, where each spoof entry made it onto Google Trends due to all his readers googling the spoof). 
So, really, the goal is to create a memetic archive of the trans-mundane.

OK, let’s try:

john gregson is an alluringly attractive enigma” = 0 hits

john gregson is a handsome but unambitious Irish sanitation worker” = 8 hits

OK, see where I’m going with this?

Let’s delve into more esoteric territory:

everyone loves my Battlestar Galactica slash fic” = 0 hits (blessedly)

it’s easy to detect sarcasm on the Internet” = 2 hits

it’s hard to detect sarcasm on the Internet” = 415 hits (there we have it, 1-in-208 people are in the Internet elite)

i can’t find a single fault in windows vista” = 0 hits

the internet brings out the best in society” = 0 hits

the internet brings out the worst in society” = 2 hits (not as hilarious a dichotomy as I was expecting, but in the spirit of the scientific method, I must abandon my assumptions in face of the evidence…)

mail-order velociraptor” = 0 hits

godwin’s law is a useful rhetorical device” = 0 hits

john titor wasn’t a hoax” = 0 hits

john titor was a hoax” = 102 hits

only use google for good” = 0 hits

only use google for evil” = 3 hits

My favourite so far:

is this a meta-question?” = 0 hits

Any other good ones? Please post them here!

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Filed under humour, irreverence, Lists


Happy 2009!
Having had an exceedingly hectic Winter term (of my own design), I rewarded myself over the holiday with a gift.
I gave myself the luxury of avoiding e-mail.
So, this may explain why I’m only answering e-mails just now, why I’m doing a New Year’s Day post now, and why I feel so darn relaxed. Now and forever more, I hope.

The Panto (‘The Sleeping Beauty’) went exceptionally well, sold out every night, so thanks to everyone who turned up, and all those who worked so hard to make it a success. The band sounded (I’m reliably informed) fantastic, so huge thanks to our great MD Russell Collins.

This holiday period has also given me the chance to sample the wares of Blues Jam Tracks, a company set up by Guitarist magazine mainstays Jan Cyrka and Adrian Clark. They provide an absolutely marvellous service – high quality backing tracks, wonderful videos, and very accurate transcriptions of some rather finger-knotting solos from Guthrie Govan!
I don’t work for the company, so this is a highly impartial recommendation to give them a try.
Well, it’s kept my fingers warm over the Scottish winter, so they have to be good!

Thanks for reading, all the best for the year,

P.S. No Resolutions yet, except for a functioning V7-I 7-3. Will keep you posted if I come up with anything.

P.P.S I’m so sorry for that last joke.


Filed under Guitar, humour, music

Stop! Panto Time!

Yes, ’tis the season to be jolly excited about yelling advice to stage dames.

“Where’s my career?”

Imagine you’re Wicket Warrick for a moment, and tilt your head inquisitively to the side, to see my ‘Upcoming Gig Info’ for Panto details.
One of the best parts about this panto is the fact that one member of the band looks uncannily like Richard Dawkins. So, everytime I look up to the conductor, I see a grinning Dawkins-alike grooving away in the pit.

Also, have you noticed that the panto dame is always facing the wrong direction?

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Filed under gigs, humour, music